Distorted Thinking In Divorce

Have you ever had lunch with someone going through a divorce?  Was that conversation a time for them to tell you how poorly they handled their relationship?  How they could or should have done things better?  How they are the real problem and their ex is innocent?


If you're like me, this almost never happens.  Generally, you hear about how they were victimized, hurt and violated.  You will hear about how the other person ruined their life and family and how they will be sorry if they even try to fight back in the divorce process.

As human beings, we have a very selective memory.  We forget that we have significant amounts of control over how our life will turn out.  This selective memory almost always selects in our favor: We are more likely to remember how they hurt us rather than how we hurt them.

This is understandable - divorce is a painful and hurtful process.  At the same time, however, we forget that our perception is not reality.  We need to be conscious of the fact that people outside of our personal lives (this group of people does not include your immediate family but includes therapists, mediators and other third parties) may have a better grasp of reality.

The primary way that I, as a mediator, see this distorted thinking is when I have two people in a mediation session who are going through a standard divorce.  It is not uncommon for one or both parties to tell me their story and make an opening demand that is just plain unreasonable (sole custody of the kids with no significant legal reason).  When I check in with them and ask to discuss their request, they tell me that once the judge hears what s/he did to them, it will all be clear - as if the judge cares about thier ex's bad spousal behavior.

You see, distorted thinking leads to distorted decision making and a distorted understanding of how people (the legal system in particular) will "see" things.

One of my suggestions for attorneys it help clients understand the reality of the court process.  That judges don't grant sole custody of children unless there is a really, really, really good reason and those reasons will generally have little to do with how good or bad of a husband or wife they were.  I ask the attorneys to "bring their clients to reality" about how the legal process works and the toll that it takes on their finances and their children.

Why do I suggest this?  Because too often people come into mediation and either have no clue of the cost involved (personal and financial) OR have been filled with overconfidence by their family members, friends or even lawyers.

So, in short, when you are starting the divorce process, realize that you are probably not thinking clearly - who would while going through a traumatic process?  Do yourself and your kids a favor and get advice from lots of sources: family, friends, pastors/priests, lawyers, accountants, mediators, psychologists and therapists.  Get lots of advice and check that advice against each other and your own.  This may help create a better sense of reality.

You can get more information about mediation and the process of resolving the issues of divorce at our website www.terchandassociates.com